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Lending money without expecting it back
My dad had one piece of money advice he repeated so often it became a family joke. “Never lend money you need to see again.”
He’d say it whenever someone mentioned a cousin’s business idea or a neighbor who needed help. We’d all roll our eyes and mouth it along with him. But I think about it a lot now, especially since I’ve written here before about a loan going sideways with a friend I love.
The idea behind it, what some people call the “consider it gone” mindset, is pretty simple. When you lend money to a friend or family member, you mentally write it off the moment it leaves your account. If it comes back, great. That’s a bonus. If it doesn’t, you’ve already made your peace with it.
I used to think this was a little cynical, like you’re assuming the worst about the person. I’ve come around to seeing it differently, though. In the right situations, I think it’s actually one of the kindest ways to lend.
Why it can be healthy
The best thing about “consider it gone” is what it does to you. When you’re not waiting for the money, you’re not doing math every time your friend posts vacation photos, and you’re not rehearsing awkward texts in the shower. The loan stops being this thing sitting between you and becomes what it probably should’ve been all along, which is just help.
It also takes pressure off the other person, even if they never know you’ve written it off. You’ll probably treat them more warmly. You won’t flinch when they buy a new phone. That warmth comes through, and it can make paying you back feel like something they’re happy to do rather than a debt they’re dreading.
I lent my friend Gina $400 a few years ago when her dog needed surgery. I decided, pretty much on the spot, that I’d treat it as gone. Not because I didn’t trust her, but because I knew she was stretched thin and I didn’t want our friendship to have a meter running in the background. She paid me back about eight months later, a little at a time, and every payment felt like a nice surprise instead of a box getting checked.
When it turns into a trap
That said, I don’t think “consider it gone” works every time, and it can turn into a trap if you’re not honest with yourself.
The obvious one is when you actually can’t afford to lose it. If losing the money would mean missing rent or skipping a bill, then telling yourself it’s gone is just denial. You’re not at peace. You’re pretending, and that pretending tends to curdle into resentment fast. Same goes if one person keeps borrowing and you keep “considering it gone.” At some point you’re not lending anymore, you’re giving, and neither of you is calling it that. If they think they’re borrowing and you think you’re gifting, somebody’s going to end up confused and hurt.
The other trap is quieter. Sometimes “consider it gone” is a way to dodge an uncomfortable conversation you probably should have. If you’d honestly like the money back, and you’d feel better if you got it, it’s okay to want that. Writing it off in your head doesn’t mean you can’t still bring it up kindly later. You’re allowed to change your mind.
My own rule these days, for whatever it’s worth, is to ask myself one question before I lend. If I never saw this money again, would I still be glad I did it? If the answer’s yes, I lend it and let it go. If the answer’s no, I either lend a smaller amount or I say no, kindly.
My dad, for the record, broke his own rule constantly. He lent money to half the people on our street. When I called him out on it once, years later, he just shrugged and said, “I didn’t need to see it again. That’s the whole point.”
I still can’t decide if he was being wise or just stubborn. Probably both.
The OweMate blog is written by the people who make OweMate, a simple way to keep track of money between friends and family.