Blog
Is it ever okay to forgive a debt between friends?
Yes. I’ll just say that up front. I think it’s sometimes not only okay to forgive a debt between friends, it’s the best thing you can do for the friendship. But there’s a right way and a sneaky wrong way, and I’ve done the wrong way enough times to have opinions about it.
The wrong way is silent forgiveness. That’s when you decide, privately, that you’re never going to see that $150 again, so you just stop mentioning it. You tell yourself you’ve let it go. But you haven’t, not really. You’ve just moved it out of your Venmo history and into your chest, where it sits and occasionally sends you little notifications. Your friend posts a photo of a new jacket. Ping.
I did this with an old roommate, Ben. He owed me about $300 from utilities and a couch we’d bought together, and after he moved out it just drifted. I never brought it up. I told myself I’d forgiven it. Then, two years later, he asked me to help him move again, and I heard myself say something snippy about “still being owed for the last couch,” and his face fell. He’d had no idea I was holding onto it.
Silent forgiveness doesn’t really count, as far as I can tell. Only the person doing the forgiving knows it happened, which means your friend never gets the relief and you never get the clean slate.
When letting it go makes sense
One situation where I think forgiving a debt is genuinely right is when your friend is going through something real. A layoff, or a health scare. If they’re struggling to keep their head above water, and the money isn’t going to make or break you, holding onto the debt can start to feel less like fairness and more like an anchor you’re handing them.
Another is when the amount is small enough that chasing it costs more than it’s worth, emotionally. If you’ve asked twice for $25 and it’s turning into a whole thing between you, sometimes the most freeing move is to call it a gift and actually mean it.
Where I’d be more careful is when the money genuinely matters to you, or when there’s a pattern. If you’d end up quietly resentful, forgiving it isn’t really forgiving. And if this is the fourth time they’ve borrowed and not paid, letting it go once more might just teach both of you that this is how it works now. That’s not kindness. That’s a subscription.
How to actually say it
If you do decide to let it go, say so. Out loud or in a text, either is fine. It doesn’t need to be a big speech. It just has to be clear enough that they know it’s over and you know you meant it.
Hey, I’ve been thinking about the $300 from the old apartment. I want you to know I’m letting that go, it’s a gift, you don’t owe me anything. I’d much rather have you than the money.
That last line might feel a little sappy. Keep it anyway. It tells them this isn’t a passive-aggressive move or a guilt trip in disguise. It’s actually done.
And then, and this is the hard part, you have to let it be done. You don’t get to bring it up later, even as a joke. You don’t get to mention it to mutual friends over drinks. If it pops into your head when they buy a round, let it pop right back out. Forgiveness with a footnote isn’t really forgiveness.
You can also forgive part of it. “Let’s call it $100 and we’re square” is a perfectly reasonable thing to say, and sometimes it’s the sweet spot. They still get to feel like they made it right, and you get to stop carrying the rest of it around.
I eventually sent Ben a version of that text, years late. He wrote back almost immediately. “Wow, okay, thank you. I genuinely forgot about the couch. Is it bad that I still have it?”
It’s not bad. I’ve been to his place. It looks great in there.
The OweMate blog is written by the people who make OweMate, a simple way to keep track of money between friends and family.